i just had sex bonerless
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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