connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
