Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
