Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
