i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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