Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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