Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize