Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
