She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
