I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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