at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Couch. On fire.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
