Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We got so high we made milksteak
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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