I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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