For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
