She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
