I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
