I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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