Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
