how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
