I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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