3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
