watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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