Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
