I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
