Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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