What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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