The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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