I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I am naked and annoyed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
