I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
