You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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