I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize