she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
