My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
