YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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