I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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