My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
