he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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