There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
