how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
