I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
