If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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