just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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