The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
