whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
