good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
