He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize