I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
