I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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