Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
