My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
