did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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