if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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