you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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