i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
