and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
