I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
