Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
