I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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