i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize