All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
