Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
