Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
