i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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