I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
