I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
