I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
