I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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