There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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