He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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