i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You were trust falling into bushes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
